Never Cared for the Paper

Recently everyone is talking about the death of newspapers.  Many people seem sad about this, but I honestly couldn't care less if newspapers die.  I believe newspapers have been pointless for the past decade.  The sooner they go, the better.  In fact, if I was to never see another newspaper again, I would not have any regrets.  

The main reason I hate newspapers is their size.  In order to read a newspaper, you need at least half a table completely cleared out, just to make room for your paper.  Then, every time you want to turn the page, it takes even more space because the pages extend.  Maybe it doesn't seem an issue when the paper is sitting on your table folded in half, but as soon as you reach the end of your story and want to proceed, you need an extra couple of feet just to turn the page.  Newspapers remind me of owls.  They don't look very large when they are just sitting quietly on a tree branch, but as soon as they get hungry and decide to eat a a good mouse dinner, they extend their wings and suddenly they are almost as long as hang gliders.  Their wingspan stretches until any onlooker wonders if they are seeing the same animal that was just sitting so calmly in the tree.

In the same way, when I see a newspaper neatly rolled up with a little rubber band around it, it looks great, a fine way to receive information.  It's only after I begin to unroll the thing that I realize I'm dealing with a monster paper, 4 times as large as it originally looked, and if I'm not careful it will give me paper cuts, smear my hands or even worse, touch my food.  

How is someone supposed to eat breakfast while reading the newspaper?  As soon as they turn the page the paper reaches across the table, extending right into the peanut butter toast, crepes, or whatever breakfast food is being enjoyed.  I realize many people make a daily habit of eating breakfast and reading the paper, but obviously not that many people, otherwise print wouldn't be going out of business.  Newspapers are simply too much of a hassle for most people to bother with.  

Newspapers are also very wasteful.  I can't imagine all the trees that must be killed due to those huge printing presses.  Every morning, in cities all across the world, there are thousands of papers printed out, many of which aren't even touched.  I know this to be fact because at the coffee shop I work at, everyday after work we have a bag full of the day's papers.  They never sell out and I'm certain we aren't the only coffee shop that deals with this. 

So what is inside a newspaper?  They are so frustratingly large, they should at least be full of wonderful knowledge.  Unfortunately this is far from the truth.  Open any paper to the middle and what are there? Ads and coupons!  Actually, maybe the ads have decreased because it is hard for newspapers to sell ad space, but it is still enough to drive someone crazy.  Car ads, grocery store ads and coupons that aren't worth the effort to use.  I have a QFC card and I get plenty of great discounts without having to spend my afternoon sorting out coupons.  

I am perfectly fine with the thought of newspapers being gone.  I like to conserve, I like thinking towards the future and I like color!  Why should I get my news from the same old black and white layout?  Black and white TV went out of style a long time ago.  Movies used to be in black and white, but that died as well.  It's time for black and white news to do the same.  We're in the digital age and it's nice to know people take in information online, in a much more exciting and convenient fashion.